I managed to do something different this morning. Something different about my mood. All of yesterday afternoon and evening I was just so incredibly sad. I missed F like I have never missed anyone before, and just felt hopeless and unable to stop the tears from falling ever so often.
And then before I went to bed, a thought hit me. The thought was the sentence: "I can do it". Not what in particular it was that I could do, just that sentence. I can do it.
I had thought that in order to turn around all the sadness I would need happy thoughts and happy memories. A positive outlook on the future. But somehow the determination that arose from those simple 4 words was much more effective in making my bad mood disappear, than any happy thing I could force myself to recall. As I thought the words to myself, I began believing that they were true. I can do it. It was a strange sensation of capability to cope with difficult situation, and as the self-confidence in me increased, I began to feel really good about myself, and satisfied with who I am.
I went to bed thinking how weirdly strong a force self-confidence is.
And this morning I woke up with the most precious feeling I have had in a long time. It was the feeling that I love life in itself more than I love anything else. In the past months, I have spent so much time worried about F, and feeling that he is by far the most important thing in my life. I have felt that without him I don't really want to be myself anymore.
I know that this is not a healthy way to think, but the human mind is for some reason constructed so that we feel much more love for something once we get afraid of loosing it. It's something which is bloody hard to work around and change, and even though I have tried very hard in the past few months to create good things in my life that have nothing to do with F, and which make my life meaningful even if he is not here, it is just so impossible to let go completely of the feeling, that I can't be without him.
That's why I felt such a relief from the abnormal feeling that life is important and wonderful in itself, no matter who I am sharing it with.
I did some yoga, as I often do these days, really enjoying the feeling of using my body as the incredible tool it is. Feeling myself being alive. I stood in front of the mirror, all naked, and looked at myself thinking: "this is me, I am here now, I am healthy, I am alive, I am young, I have so much potential". Appreciating my body for what it was, flaws as well as perfection in its own way. There is so much to learn about this world and about the human mind and myself. At the age of 23 I feel like I have so much potential in that I have so many years left to live, and so much good in my life to look forward to. But I also feel that I have so little experience with what an adult life entails, that in some way I cannot appreciate the potential properly, just because there is so much I don't understand about the world and myself.
But regardless, it was just such a nice feeling to be at peace with who I am for once, and feel that being who I am is enough to be happy.
I have no doubt that this transformation is only temporary, that I have plenty of difficult experiences yet to face, that will upset me and bring me to tears. And I have no doubt, that should F take a turn for the worse I won't feel strong and alive on my own. But with such a hard time going on at the moment, I have to appreciate the moments where I feel capable and happy with myself.
The little victories become so important.